Friendship

I can't find the original source for this image, but it isn't mine.

This weekend I had the pleasure of attending the wedding of a childhood friend. She was my very, very best friend until about high school and we began drifting apart. She came to my wedding a few weekends ago and I was so glad she was there. 

For many years, my mother asked me why I couldn’t be more like {friend}. {Friend} was doing this and it’s so perfect and wonderful and why can’t I do that. {Friend} got into this college and is also doing this other amazing thing and why can’t you be like that. {Friend} is basically perfect, why aren’t you? 

As I watched my perfect friend walk down the aisle and beam at her husband, surrounded by beauty and love, I realized that {friend}’s life is so amazing compared to the struggles I’ve had because she hasn’t had bad things happen to her. Not that that's bad, I’m so thankful she hasn’t had to deal with the struggles and trauma I’ve experienced. But, I’ve done the best I can with what I was given and I’ve made an incredible life for myself considering these hardships. I realized my jealousy and telling myself I’m a piece of shit compared to her is ridiculous. I was able to leave those feelings in the church and beam at {friend} during her reception. I’m so happy she is about to start her future with an awesome guy. I hope she continues to have an amazing life. And I really mean it. 

Life List: 2015

I’ve been working on this list for several years. It’s nice to go through it in January each year and see what I’ve accomplished. 2014 was awesome and weird and hard. Moving not only to a new city, but to a completely new part of the country where the culture is completely different was amazing. I’ve been in New York for a year and a half now and I’m moving back to Atlanta in a couple of weeks. With the impending wedding and marriage, I’d like to have a savings account. I can’t afford that here. I’m sad and excited for the future. It’s a little heartbreaking to leave the life I built for myself here. I’ve never had to built my life from scratch before, it’s been a lesson of a lifetime. I’ll forever cherish the friendships I’ve made while in New York. 

At this time last year, I made a promise to myself to do some huge art project based off the life list. I made two pieces, hated them and threw them away. However, instead of giving up on it entirely, I painted, sketched and reached out to other artists all year long. I’ve grown so much as an artist in the past 12 months. Now I have an artistic drive and focus I didn’t have before this year. I’m excited to see what comes.

Here it is! Newly abridged:

100 Things To Do Before I Die

1. Graduate from graduate school
2. Get a job I don't hate
3. Procreate
4. Marry (Soooooon)
5. Travel to Russia
6. Travel to Greece
7. Live in England
8. Live in New York
9. Go to a family reunion 
10. Appreciate myself
11. Get in really great shape
12. Hot air balloon ride
13. Go to the Grand Canyon
14. Visit San Fransisco
15. Visit Portland
16. Visit Seattle
17. Visit Vancouver
18. Spend a winter up north 
19. Have a Roylls
20. Love thyself
21. Humble thyself
22. Let go
23. Act in a play
24. Sing in a band
25. Learn the guitar
26. Learn the violin
27. Metalsmithing
28. Become a Master Knitter (it's a real thing) 
29. Publish a novel
30. See aurora borealis
31. Move out of Atlanta for at least a year
32. Speak another language fluently
33. Get an MFA in creative writing
34. Get paid to sing
35. Get paid to write (something that I want to write)
36. Stop smoking 
37. Accept Average
38. Be a graphic designer
39. Let go more quickly
40. Learn to sew (I have a sewing machine and I’m working on it)
41. Visit Stonehenge 
42. Camp out in the haunted graveyard where the Bell Witch haunted
43. Go to the monastery in Conyers
44. Go on a cruise
45. See Machu Picchu 
46. Use that geocache app and geocache some stuffs
47. Own a Chanel purse
48. Take my grandmother's life writings and convert them into one cohesive tale
49. Know embroidery
50. Get rid of stuff
51. Become proficient in HTML and CSS
52. Host and effectively design my own blog
53. Do stand up comedy
54. Become flexible (physically)
55. Master (is this possible?) meditation
56. Visit India
57. Visit Norway
58. Visit Japan
59. Go to the Metropolitan Museum
60. Stop feeling victimized by the past
61. Get 10 years
62. Finish my cross stitch
63. Become a full time artist
64. Set up boundaries

A holiday lesson for me

I hope everyone has had a happy holiday, or at least made it through okay.

This was my first holiday season away from my family. While I did make it home for Christmas, being away and buying gifts in New York and not being in conversations on group gifts and what everyone wants was weird (are you getting the picture that gifts are a big deal in my family?).

When I got home, I was so anxious it was hard for me to enjoy anything. I was worried "did I get the right gift?" "did I say the right thing?" "did I get to see everyone I wanted to see?" Truthfully, the answer to all of those is most likely, no.

While stress freaking out, a friend told me she had decided to have a good Christmas. I thought this was an amazing concept until another told me that it's okay to have a bad Christmas. Bad Christmases happen and stop freaking out about the small things. Did I stop freaking out? Absolutely not. But I kept these words of wisdom in mind on Christmas day when I didn't feel the gift I'd given was adequate or someone was breaking tradition, ect.

Christmas is only one day. Outside of the baby Jesus stuff—which I'm not going to get into here—it's for spending time with those you love and appreciating each other. I get too stressed out about everything being perfect, about me being perfect. The gifts and the decorating and all that isn't real. But the experience of being with those you love is, and that is what's important.

One moment matters

Source

I do this thing where I tell myself I'm getting fired. And then I start to have a meltdown and look at my boss and my coworkers and read and react to them as if I were getting fired. Then, in the past, I've gotten fired (but, I was also not good at those jobs and wasn't doing my best).

I do this other thing with art and writing and design where I tell myself I'm not talented and I'm a failure. I go through my work and I hate on in and I look at other, more experienced artist/designers/writers' works and compare my work to theirs and tell myself I'll never be as good as those people. That, I might as well give up.

Right now, I'm doing a combination of both of these things and it's making me miserable. I'm internally freaking out and berating myself. The true is, though, I'm mostly doing the best I can at work. I'm trying, I'm learning and I'm learning to ask for help and say "I don't know." And, of course I'm not as good as my coworker who has been a designer for 15 years, of course!

Also, if I'm going to compare myself to other designers, illustrators and amazing hand-letterers, I need to practice those things outside of work (which I plan to do soon, I just finished up my last knitted Christmas present).

All I have is this moment. I can't berate and punish myself for not working as hard as I could have at school (not true, I was killing myself with not sleeping) or not working every second of 8 hours at work (sometimes I need a few minutes to look at Facebook or go to the bathroom or take a lunch break). I have to stay in the moment, which is with Chico, in the bed (sick day, probably because I'm running myself down telling myself how much I suck). I try and I'm passionate and I don't suck.

PS: Thanks to Derp for giving me a pep talk :)

Home, but not anymore

Pictures with a portion of loved ones

I went home for Thanksgiving. It was the first time since I moved to New York. All last week, I tried to prepare myself for what to expect emotionally. I've been so lonely here in New York, I hoped I wouldn't get overwhelmed and sad.

Well, I did (get overwhelmed and sad). It was so lovely to see my friends and family and feel so much love. They told me I look great and beautiful, which I needed to hear (as I recently posted).

Thanksgiving Day was great. It was just as overwhelming and anxiety producing as any large family function is, except this time I had something interesting to share. Living in New York is a great conversation starter. Friday, Boyfriend and I had second Thanksgiving with his family and I got to hold his new nephew, Little Bit, for the first time. It was amazing to have such a small baby cuddle up to me.

Saturday was when I started to get sad. I hung out for a few hours with Bestie then we met up with some of my friends at a coffee shop in Atlanta. So many of my ladies came to see me! I was overjoyed to hug and chat with each one. I felt so loved and a part of, which I haven't felt here (New York).

I forget that time takes time. Relationships don't pop up out of no where. But I've been trying sooooo hard. I feel like I should have more meaningful relationships by now. I do have Lady Pants and my new roomies, I'm just so used to being surrounded by love all the time and I miss that about Atlanta.

I cried much of Saturday night and Sunday and the plane ride home. I'm trying, putting one foot in front of the other. It will get better and easier. I hope.

Moving dramarama

The 24 hours between Sunday at 11pm and Monday at 10:59pm may rival all of the other stressful experiences I've had (I'm definitely being a little dramatic).

I decided last week I was leaving to move to New York a week earlier than planned at the urging of a friend. From Atlanta, I'm having an impossible time getting people to talk to me about renting. This friend told me I can stay with her and I'll have no problem finding a place within a week. On Sunday night, after tirelessly getting my things together and finding places to stay on the drive up and coming to terms with not having Chico until someone brings him to me when visiting (he can't stay at her house), my friend texted to let me know I can't stay with her due to her roommate's personal situation. I was devastated. I spent most of the night scanning the AirBnB app looking for a really cheap place to stay for a week (in my budget, I can only afford a bunk bed in a weird hostel-ish situation). Sigh

Monday morning, I received an email from a girl I spoke to last week and she told me she was giving me my dream apartment in my dream neighborhood for a great price and she wanted to Skype later last night. Joy! Once we Skyped, she told me she gave the apartment to someone else. (Booooooooo!)

At this news, I started to have a meltdown. Fortunately, I was already texting Bestie and when I told her I didn't get the apartment and thought I was going to die. She invited me to come over for homemade spaghetti.

Me and Bestie a few years ago when I had blonde hair and she was just as awesome as ever

She hugged me and fed me and we talked it out. She made a great suggestion (fly up next week with the sole purpose of finding a place so I don't have to worry about my car and my dog and my things). She told me she's proud of me and sad I'm leaving and told me I can do it. And I felt better.

I'm so thankful for wonderful friends like Bestie, and the friend in New York who wanted to welcome me up (and unfortunately can't because out something outside of her control). Even though Monday sucked and I cried a little, I'm still going to do it. Bestie (and my mom) pointed out that a year ago, I'd probably have given up before even getting to this point. Anything hard wasn't worth working for, and now it is. I'm worth it. I'm going to find a place to live and I'm going up to a great job with awesome people. It's going to be great.

Minimizing

I'm a little overwhelmed right now. Not only am I moving away from the only city I've ever lived in and all that goes with it, I'm purging most of my things. And, while, yes, this isn't a huge deal (they're only things after all), it's very hard. I'm a collector. Books, people, tchotchkes, animals, clothes, shoes.

Portable house

I've always thought the minimalist way of life is fascinating. I read blog posts from people who have gotten rid of all of their things except the essentials. They reuse everything and never buy Gladware (I've put so much of it in the recycle bin).

But, I do love my clutter. I like having all of my little things around me. I have piles everywhere. Everything has a story or a reason. I've kept that because I might use it to collage, I've kept this because I might use it for some kind of art later. That can be painted on, this can be repurposed, I'm going to unravel that old sweater and reuse the yarn. But, since I'm moving, those are things I don't need. Every little tchotchkes I keep is another something I can't bring. I gave all of my scrapbooking supplies to a friend of mine and I'm giving all of my metal smithing supplies to another. So. Damn. Hard. It feels kind of like giving away friends.

But, as hard as it is, I'm doing it. I know those scrapbooking supplies will be loved and used more than I've been using them. And I don't need all of these things. It's all going to be fine and at the core of it, those things are just that. They are things.

BSTW vol. 18

1. I'm sure by now you've heard about the bi-racial family in the Cheerios commercial. And the ridiculous and horrifying racist outrage that followed. Well, here is an amazing response to that with a little twist at the end.

2. I'm not sure why, but I effing love this! Flags made out of the food the country is known for! Amaze-balls! (via my favorite site, Buzzfeed)

3. I'm know I'm getting old because this is true (and also because I don't use snap chat). I remember getting my book and a snack and sitting in front of the computer, waiting for each page of the Nickelodeon website to load. It was exhilarating.

4. I can't find the original link to this image, so I'm linking to what I've found. This picture is beautiful and so inspiring to me. I want to paint her, sitting there by the lake, imagining. 'sigh'

5. Beautiful bracelet tutorial. Since learning to put lobster claps on the ends of friendship bracelets a couple of summers ago (while didn't I think of this before?!), I have a new love for these lovely things.

6. A really cool article about Ed Hardy (via the NY Post) and his relationship with Christian Audigier. I never knew any of these things about him. He's a tattoo pioneer!

7. Cutest Corgis! Oh my, I die!

Offline: The possible move I've mentioned is going forward and is teaching me to chill out and appreciate what I have around me. I don't know anything definite right now, but I'm taking it a moment at a time. Also, I found out there are lightning bugs there! Yay!

Being a friend

Yesterday, a friend of mine was having a rough time and she called me to have coffee so she could vent. While, this seems like a small matter, for me it's huge. 

The past year has been full of many changes, including learning to be a friend. Before this past year, I only knew how to take and take and take and suck the life out of my friends. I felt that I owned my friends (not in a Single White Female way) and I was very intense about them. I now like to refer to them as my "hostages" because I was a tornado ripping through people's lives and causing drama and draining them emotionally. After so much of that, of course my friends eventually couldn't handle me anymore and moved on with their lives. 

But, I've changed. So much, in fact, that people now call and ask for advice and want to talk things out with me. I used to be the one talking things out constantly, never shutting up to listen to what anyone else was going through. And, if I'm being honest, not caring.

I think I've said it before, but the amazing life I've created for myself in the past year is what I've always wanted. It took much heartache and a lot of growing pains to get to this point, but I couldn't be more thankful of where I am right now. I've always, always wanted to have an abundance of good girls friends, genuine relationships and now I have it. I didn't have to suck the life out of people and be an emotional vampire to get it, either. I had to shut my mouth and open my ears. To have good friends, I learned to be a good friend. And I really couldn't be happier (unless I get a job, of course).

Take a Chance

The only times I've ever taken real chances on myself were in the 9th grade when I joined the summer swim league (I'd never competitively swam a day in my life) and going to the school I just graduated from (it was expensive and I had to put my whole life on hold).

Now that I'm looking for a job, I can either play it very safe and just look for jobs in Atlanta, or look for jobs in another city. While I haven't found a job yet, I have the opportunity to take a small chance on myself with a company in New York. Long Island, to be exact. They're not offering me anything permanent right now, just a chance. And while New York City itself would be a major chance, Long Island is even more of one. It's not too close to the city. It's a suburb. Something I claim to hate. I haven't been offered anything yet, and I'm already freaking out about the whatifs. What if I hate it there? What if it's too expensive, or cold, or shitty or boring? What if the people there don't like me? But what if everything goes right? What if I don't try it out and take a chance on me? I'll never know.

I'm so excited and scared at the same time. I worry (for any job) I'm going to get there and I'm going to blow it. I'm going to realize I don't know what I'm doing, I'm a horrible designer, an impostor  They're going to say, "we made a huge mistake, you'll never make it here. Get out, go back."

The most important thing is that I try. Because I might just be amazing. I might love it. It might be something so wonderful and right for me, I didn't know it was missing until I got there.

Work on saying I don't know

via

I don't know about you, but I have a hard time saying, "I don't know." I often get talked into circles because instead of saying I don't know, I work on coming up with an answer. And it's not just about not knowing the answers to questions such as, "Who was the Kind of England in 1500" (although I have gotten a little better saying I don't know to questions like this), it's more of the ones about decisions I'm making or what I'm doing. 

I'm very open to suggestions, most of the time. And I feel as if I have to solve or respond or account for the issue right on the spot. This just isn't how life works. I'm allowed to say, "You know, let me get back to you. I'm not sure." Perfectly acceptable. I want to solve all problems, know all things, have all answers and this just isn't realistic. So, I get frustrated and defensive (wonderful and endearing qualities).

Saying I don't know is a work in progress for me. 

My last quarter of school, I had a teacher I didn't particularly care for (his teaching style, as a person he is quite lovely). I felt that he was trying to confuse me and was less than thrilled to be in a class with him for the third quarter in a row. And I talked to him about this, because I really wanted to get something from his class. I like his assignments and his projects, but the way he asks questions confuses me. He told me sometimes the right answer is simply, "I don't know." And I'd never considered that before.  Then he agreed to try to be less confusing and I agreed to acknowledge I'm not sure what he's talking about. Since then, I've been working on this.

So, that's where I am.  

Bored

As I have mentioned several times lately, I graduated a couple of weeks ago. And for the first couple of weeks I was enjoying having the freedom to hang out and lay around and apply to things on my schedule. It was nice to have time to knit and cross stitch and paint without feeling guilty (because any time not spent doing school work over the past two years caused guilt, including sleep). I've been keeping really super busy. I've been LIVING. Seeing people, going to every event every friend is having, karaoke-ing. But, now, it's been two weeks and I'm winding down from this whirlwind of happiness and accomplishment.

Some boredom is starting to set in. Because my days are full of long hours with nothing scheduled. And this can be dangerous for my well being. Well, it was dangerous for my state of mind in the past. When I start to get bored, I lose the will to do things, talk to people and make food. Generally, I get depressed. And while I feel like I'm in a really healthy place mentally, I'm scared that I'm going to fall into those old behaviors if boredom sets in. 

I'm making myself get up pretty early (I'm more of a morning person, if I slept past 10, I'd hate myself), apply to jobs and research things for a few hours. I'm going to start refreshing my knowledge of CSS and HTML. I have a plan, I'm just worried. Maybe if I wasn't worried, that'd be a problem. I don't know. 

So, that is happening. Thanks for reading :)

Friendly

Friendship with oneself is very important because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

I read this quote this morning, along with one of the little things I read to get my day started positively. I think it's great because I've been working on giving myself a break from the constant negative montage that marches through my brain all day every day.

You're lazy, You suck, You're a screw up, You're never going to get a job, No one will ever love you. These are the things I tell myself all day almost every day. It's exhausting.

On Saturday, I was so stressed out I laid on the couch all day. And I might have cried a little. And I beat myself up. Which makes it worse. I was paralyzed by anxiety and self doubt. It was so horrible. I felt physical pain I was so upset.

I did the most logical thing, took a nap. When I woke up, it was almost 5pm and I felt a little better. I was able to listen to some rationale (from myself, because I was alone all day). I said, "Self, beating yourself up for taking a nap or for not doing any work today isn't going to make the work get done. Beating yourself up for past mistakes isn't going to make today any different. All you can do is change right now."

And, unlike the past, I believed myself. I remembered what a stressful week last week was. So stressful that I probably needed day to lay on the couch and watch 30 Rock to recover. And I reminded myself that I'm in a good place with my school work. And even if I don't get one more thing completed and I only have 8 pieces in my graduation portfolio, it's going to be ok.

Today, I'm working on being a friend to myself. If I treated my treasured friends as horribly as I treat myself, I'd have no friends. The little voice inside who tells me I'm a worthless piece of shit needs to be quieted. Because I'm not a piece of shit. I'm an amazing individual with something unique and amazing to offer, just like everyone I admire.

Ah Ha! vol. 7: Procrastination

I've been having a hard time lately. Lots and lots of anxiety and panic, which makes it hard for me to do things which in turn adds to my anxiety and panic. Normally, this is frustrating, but right now I'm working on finishing my portfolio and I'm in a time crunch.

When I get like this, I get stuck in a cycle. The anxiety comes, then I have a hard time working then I beat myself up for not getting things done which makes the anxiety worse. In the past, I'd usually give up. But that's not an option for me anymore. There is no way I'm going to give up after the past two years of working my ass off, sleepless nights, money and sacrifices.

I realized, I only have today. I don't have tomorrow yet and what I did yesterday doesn't matter, it's over. In the interest of my sanity, I have to focus on what I can do right this minute. If thinking about the entire day wigs me out, I can take it a moment at a time. It's all going to be ok.

Ah Ha! vol. 6 Change

Picture from On the Write Track

Today was hard. I have a friend going through a crisis. I want to be there for her, but she won't let me. I'm sad for her, but at the same time, it's allowed me to reflect.

I've changed soooooooo much in the past year. I'm like a different person. Me a year ago was exactly where this friend is, and like her, unable to see the light. Watching my friend be oblivious to how amazing and beautiful and talented and smart and wonderful she is gives me perspective on the times I beat myself up.

In the past year, I've chosen the harder road (for me). I don't want to be sad, I don't want to be alone and I especially don't want to be sad and alone. Ew. And slowly, I'm not as much of an unpleasant bitch to be around. Now, occasionally, people call me for advice. I get invited to things. I have friends. I am a friend.

While today was especially hard, I did all the right things, and even if I hadn't, it was the best I can do. Another lovely lady friend called me to tell me I'm a great friend and how much she appreciates me.  This is really the apex of how much I've changed. I feel so grateful and amazing :)

A Eulogy for Slaight

The first time I saw her, she bit me and then ran away. I knew it was love at first sight. From 11-20, she was my constant companion. When I was into Harriet the Spy, she joined me (against her will) in a book bag to spy on my family and neighbors. I thought she was a living doll, my toy. I dressed her up in doll clothes and made up little scenes for her to participate in, like tea service. She wasn't thrilled, but after much hissing and struggling, she gave up and let me pose her this way and that.

As I grew up, she and I read books together and learned Biology. We took walks around the neighborhood and climbed trees. I told her about boys I liked and about mean girls. 

I grew more, still, and she accompanied me around the neighborhood when I snuck out to visit friends in the night and to smoke cigarettes (I thought I was so cool). I cried to her through teenage angst and many boyfriends. She was always there to listen and comfort. 

When I went off to college, I couldn't take her and while I never forgot, I moved on. I got new kitties and I made new confidants. I visited from time to time, but it was never the same. 

I've always loved her and she's always loved me. I'll miss her so much. She's such a tough and special little soul.

Rest in peace Miss Slaightybelle.

Ah ha! vol. 4 Collecting

I realized lately that I tend to collect people. And by collect people, I mean I have a hard time accepting the natural cycle of friendships. And, god forbid someone not like me and not want to be friends.

There's a girl I know who I don't have an opportunity to see several times a week anymore. I've reached out to her a couple of times and she either doesn't respond or does later than I appreciate. I've been a little flustered, you know, trying to grasp onto this relationship with a stranglehold. Then, one of my friends was talking about something or other and what she said made me realize, it's time to let things go. It's okay for us to go our separate ways, it doesn't mean I'm bad or she's bad, it just means we are moving in different directions. And this is perfectly acceptable. If I want to have healthy and stable relationships, it's required that I understand and am willing to embrace this. Because, it's going to happen over and over again.

This is a hard lesson to learn. I feel that the Sims demonstrate this very simply. If you're unfamiliar with that game, let me explain. To get a promotion at a job or to reach a new life goal level, your Sim has to have a certain number of friendships. Which means you have to find other Sims your Sim is compatible with and talk with them, hang out, play games, whatever, normal friend stuff. Then your level goes up and this Sim and your Sim become friends. But, if you don't have your Sim call, hang out, talk with this Sim, your friendship is lost. And, not all Sim likes other Sims. It has to do with their different personalities. In my humble opinion, this little bit of coding is brilliant.

So yeah. I'm learning this slowly. It's okay for me to let friendships go if they become toxic or if I'm moving in a different direction. And it's okay for me to let a friendship go if the other person is moving in a different direction.

Maturity. It's happening.

Relationship Drunk Memory (kind of)

You know how when you get drunk, some of the events of the night escape your memory a bit, things become a little hazy and you're not sure if that conversation or whatever actually happened. BUT, the next time you get a little tipsy, you remember (with clarity) that thing you did last time you were drunk. I'm having that right now, but with my relationship.

It's been two years since I was in a relationship (with Chico's dad). And, I've remembered him being a horrible villain who walked out on me and Chico after a year and a half of misery (in actuality I was head over heels in love and absolutely devastated when he left).

The other night, when I was getting upset at my dude (who will from now on be referred to as Boo--childhood nickname) because he suggested something I thought was misogynistic and rude, I had a flashback. Of a similar situation with Chico's dad. He was joking about something (just like this current situation with Boo) and I took it waaaaaaay too seriously and got angry for no. reason.

It freaked me out because I've gone through all of this change in the past year and completely revamped (probably not the right word to use here) who I am and what I stand for (now I actually stand for something) and it's so scary something as wonderful as what is going on with Boo can bring out the worst old behavior. Freeeeeks me out.

I read an article somewhere (I thought it was xojane, but I can't find it) about a girl who was in a relationship and was acting like I often act (oh, you hate your job? I'll google jobs in your field! You need a new bed? I'll email people on craigslist for you! You get the picture) and her boyfriend told her, "I want you to be my girlfriend, not my mom."

I've been thinking about this article a lot the past few weeks as I see myself trying to shape and mold Boo's life to who I think I want him to be. I try to tell myself I'm "helping." The truth is, what he chooses to do is none of my business. And, I get upset with him because he's not bending to my will. But, one of the things I like about him is that he isn't manipulatable by me (I can be very manipulative). Not to mention, I'm attracted to him just the way he is. I hate myself when I'm being an asshole like this.

I'm doing all I can do and working on it. I'll keep you updated.

Princess of my own castle

I constantly give myself a hard time for doing or not doing things. It's exhausting. Do you have this problem? I can't be the only one. It's always: I'm eating too much of this/not enough of this, I need to wait until this noon to eat lunch, I did this 4 times already this week and I can't do it today, I took a nap on Tuesday which means I can't be tired today and on and on. 'sigh' Ridiculous.

It also seems to apply to relationships. I've already been in two long term relationships and several micro-relationships so I can't be happy with this one. And, what if this doesn't work out and this is my last chance and I'm going to be old and horrible and no one will want me and I don't have time to waste on a relationship that isn't going to work out and I'm exhausted. Goodness gracious!! (Wow, do I live in the future.)

I need to learn how to eat that dessert and not freak out (one dessert isn't going to kill me), eat lunch when I'm hungry, take a nap if I'm tired, wear that t-shirt and shorts if it's hot and let myself fall into something that feels exciting and safe (safe in an "I'm not worried you're screwing me over behind my back" kind of safe).

After relationship #1 ended, I literally thought I was going to die (yes, I meant to use the word literally). I was in physical pain because I was so heart broken. It was awful. Then after relationship #2 (Chico's dad) ended, I couldn't believe I'd been duped again. I thought we were a team and he just left me! I mean, we had a dog together!

I feel like I'm about to get into #3. But, I'm scared. I'm not as naive as I was before the other two. I know what's on the line (my sanity?). Just like the lunch or the two-piece bathing suit or the fun (in graduate school you aren't allowed too much fun, you know?) I'm afraid I'm going to get my heart broken again. Even though #1 shattered my life, I opened my heart for Chico's dad. Give love a chance, I said. Devastation ensued. 

I have no solution to this post. Just sayin'. I'm freaked out right now. But I want to use that old cliche and "love like I've never been hurt" (even though love isn't even on the table right now, you know what I'm saying). Thoughts?

My dad thinks he's so funny (he is)

I've been at the beach with my family for the past several days and it's been almost great!

This trip has been a little different because, while I've had body issues in the past, they haven't been running rampant as much as they have this trip. In the past, I've been able to look in the mirror and see something similar to what I actually look like (I think) even if I've chosen to view that as too fat. But lately, that's just not the case.

I look at the size of my clothes and my body when I'm in said clothes and I feel okay about my size. But when naked or in a bathing suit, all I see is someone who is disgusting. Sitting on a beach all day feels kind of like a nightmare. Any roll of the skin or perceived flab and I'm off off into my world of self degradation. At least, I've been telling myself, there's no one here knows me (other than my parents, and I'm pretty sure they have to love me fat or thin).

The only time I can get a grip on my real size is when I see someone else who looks like I  think I look in my head (does that makes sense?) Then I realize that I'm fine and even if I do look like that person, that's okay, because that girl looks great (even at a size that I'm not comfortable being [but let's be honest, I'm not comfortable being at any size bigger than emaciated]).

Most of the summer, I've been wearing one pieces, like this lovely little number by Esther Williams (awesome bathing suits):

I feel more confident, skinnier and sexy in these types of suits than in two pieces. But, this week, I brought the two pieces out in all of their horrible, gut wrenching glory. And since wearing them for the past few days, I'm convinced I've gained 10 lbs, gotten wider, shorter and puffier. Even though I'm pretty sure it'd be next to impossible to gain 10 lbs in 3 days.

I thought about posting a picture, but that's kind of ridiculous. I'd only be looking for "You're not fat" comments. It doesn't matter how big or little I think I am and it's not really about size at all. It's about me loving and accepting myself. Lately, not only have I become more obsessed with my weight, I've become fixated on my face, hair, hands and skin. It's ridiculous. I'm surprised I can get out of the house and past the mirror in the morning. I feel like I need a hiatus from the mirror. I don't know if that's a real thing, though. Not looking in the mirror. How would I put makeup on?