You know how when you get drunk, some of the events of the night escape your memory a bit, things become a little hazy and you're not sure if that conversation or whatever actually happened. BUT, the next time you get a little tipsy, you remember (with clarity) that thing you did last time you were drunk. I'm having that right now, but with my relationship.
It's been two years since I was in a relationship (with Chico's dad). And, I've remembered him being a horrible villain who walked out on me and Chico after a year and a half of misery (in actuality I was head over heels in love and absolutely devastated when he left).
The other night, when I was getting upset at my dude (who will from now on be referred to as Boo--childhood nickname) because he suggested something I thought was misogynistic and rude, I had a flashback. Of a similar situation with Chico's dad. He was joking about something (just like this current situation with Boo) and I took it waaaaaaay too seriously and got angry for no. reason.
It freaked me out because I've gone through all of this change in the past year and completely revamped (probably not the right word to use here) who I am and what I stand for (now I actually stand for something) and it's so scary something as wonderful as what is going on with Boo can bring out the worst old behavior. Freeeeeks me out.
I read an article somewhere (I thought it was xojane, but I can't find it) about a girl who was in a relationship and was acting like I often act (oh, you hate your job? I'll google jobs in your field! You need a new bed? I'll email people on craigslist for you! You get the picture) and her boyfriend told her, "I want you to be my girlfriend, not my mom."
I've been thinking about this article a lot the past few weeks as I see myself trying to shape and mold Boo's life to who I think I want him to be. I try to tell myself I'm "helping." The truth is, what he chooses to do is none of my business. And, I get upset with him because he's not bending to my will. But, one of the things I like about him is that he isn't manipulatable by me (I can be very manipulative). Not to mention, I'm attracted to him just the way he is. I hate myself when I'm being an asshole like this.
I'm doing all I can do and working on it. I'll keep you updated.