Windsor Grace

My dad thinks he's so funny (he is)

I've been at the beach with my family for the past several days and it's been almost great!

This trip has been a little different because, while I've had body issues in the past, they haven't been running rampant as much as they have this trip. In the past, I've been able to look in the mirror and see something similar to what I actually look like (I think) even if I've chosen to view that as too fat. But lately, that's just not the case.

I look at the size of my clothes and my body when I'm in said clothes and I feel okay about my size. But when naked or in a bathing suit, all I see is someone who is disgusting. Sitting on a beach all day feels kind of like a nightmare. Any roll of the skin or perceived flab and I'm off off into my world of self degradation. At least, I've been telling myself, there's no one here knows me (other than my parents, and I'm pretty sure they have to love me fat or thin).

The only time I can get a grip on my real size is when I see someone else who looks like I  think I look in my head (does that makes sense?) Then I realize that I'm fine and even if I do look like that person, that's okay, because that girl looks great (even at a size that I'm not comfortable being [but let's be honest, I'm not comfortable being at any size bigger than emaciated]).

Most of the summer, I've been wearing one pieces, like this lovely little number by Esther Williams (awesome bathing suits):

I feel more confident, skinnier and sexy in these types of suits than in two pieces. But, this week, I brought the two pieces out in all of their horrible, gut wrenching glory. And since wearing them for the past few days, I'm convinced I've gained 10 lbs, gotten wider, shorter and puffier. Even though I'm pretty sure it'd be next to impossible to gain 10 lbs in 3 days.

I thought about posting a picture, but that's kind of ridiculous. I'd only be looking for "You're not fat" comments. It doesn't matter how big or little I think I am and it's not really about size at all. It's about me loving and accepting myself. Lately, not only have I become more obsessed with my weight, I've become fixated on my face, hair, hands and skin. It's ridiculous. I'm surprised I can get out of the house and past the mirror in the morning. I feel like I need a hiatus from the mirror. I don't know if that's a real thing, though. Not looking in the mirror. How would I put makeup on?