Art art art artiste

This is some jewelry I made and it's the only picture of art I could find at the moment. I did comb my old blog for a picture and see bad memories and embarrassing writing

I make art. But, I haven't made some real art for myself since this group show where I didn't have time to put my piece together and so I threw something together at the last minute and it was terrible and humiliating. That was almost 3 years ago. I love painting and making things. I have a hard time getting into something unless I know it's going to be great. Unfortunately, art isn't like that. As Macklemore says, "The greats were great because they paint a lot."

I'm committing right now, on here, to do a personal art project. Whatever I want, combining traditional art with writing and all that. I have had several traumatic relationships with men and I want to do something around that. These relationships run the gamut and I think it'll be helpful and cathartic to do a project around my feelings. A healing.

I need accountability. By this time next year, I'll have something to show. It may be shit, it may be awesome, it will most likely be somewhere in between. I'm going to do it!

Thankfulness: Yet Another Thanksgiving Post

Amazing example of serenity brought to you by Paul Linton

I was looking over my Life List, adding stand up comedy to my list of goals, and I saw that I'd already completed #51: Get Rid of Stuff. Boy, did I get rid of stuff when I packed my whole life into my VW Bug and headed north. I got rid of furniture enough to furnish an entire house, most of my shoes, books, clothing, ect.

I also completed #43: Visit the monastery in Conyers. I've been wanting to go there for at least 10 years because of their state renown gardens, but I never made the time. Over the summer between graduation and starting my job, I took an afternoon to myself and visited. The experience was amazing. I'm not a religious gal, but I am deeply spiritual and I was overcome by the beauty, stillness and serenity while sitting alone in the sanctuary (is that what it's called?). I'm so thankful I took that time to drive the 45 minutes.

Seeing these two items completed prompted me to look over the rest of the list and mark off several items. In doing so, I'm a little overcome with emotion. Before I started on this journey to better myself and my life, I never completed anything. I didn't have goals, therefore I didn't complete goals. I was too afraid to fail, so I never tried. And now, I see that I'm no longer completely afraid to try. It takes guts to get rid of all your stuff and move across the country. I'm so proud of myself and so thankful I finally realized struggle is part of the journey and I am worth taking a chance on.

Happy Thanksgiving

Three Years Reflection

Pictures from the amazing going away party my friends threw me

One of my friends IMed me last week that she wants to be a graphic designer. And live in New York. And have a cute dog. And a blog.

This got me thinking. Three years ago this week, I lost my job. Chico's dad and I broke up a couple months earlier, and I was still having a hard time with the break up. I had no idea what I wanted to do with myself. I was simply floating through my life grabbing onto one this after the next and I felt as if I couldn't get my head above water. Day after day, I perused job listings. The only thing was, I didn't know what I wanted to do. Two years before, I'd dropped out of my feminist rhetoric graduate program because it wasn't what was promised to me by the school (not to mention I wasn't mature enough for it). I'd planned on getting my PhD in writing for so long I felt it defined me. I was no longer pursuing that dream and I didn't know who I was without it.  I was a nobody with a shitty prospects and no hope and now no job and no boyfriend.

For about a year, I'd been toying with the idea of going back to school for design. I knew it was going to be difficult for me to "find my thing" with an BA in english. Let's face it, it just means you have been trained to do a little of everything and a whole lot of nothing; not to mention planning on getting your PhD is a lot less cool than actually having one.

I talked with many many friends and family members. I went to check out a couple of design programs in Atlanta and chose one for me. And I've never looked back. Even when I hadn't slept for days and I was having anxiety break downs, I knew I'd made the right decision. I didn't have anything to go back to.

Going to the school I did forced me to take a look a myself in ways I'd never been desperate enough to do before. I'd never struggled or work as hard as I did in that school. I learned sooo much about myself (this lesson was more valuable than all I learned from design) and what I'd been doing before wasn't working for me any more. I pretty much changed everything about my life and myself. I threw out the bad and kept the good (this includes people, clothing, character defects, beliefs, ect).

It's amazing how much has changed and how much happier and fulfilled I am now. In just 3 short years, I have almost everything I've ever wanted for myself: happiness, peace and meaningful friendships.

No more sorry

{photo by: Josh Bomb}

Tonight, my roommates were talking about what they're going to do now that I'm moving out and another roommate is moving out. They were both very agitated and although they've known about this for at least a month, tonight seems to be the first time they've considered the possibility they will have to find a new roommate. I felt the need to apologize. For not wanting to live in a bedroom with no door, even though one was promised and for not wanting to live in a place that floods or with a landlord who won't fix huge things or lets strangers into our apartment when we're not here. And, I realized that none of these things are things I'm responsible for. What I'm sorry for is the situation our landlord has put them in and none of these things are my fault.

A couple of Lents ago, I gave up apologizing. I am a compulsive people pleaser and I never realized this about myself until shortly before said Lent season. Anytime anyone around me is unhappy about something I think I can fix, or I damaged or some of my actions may have caused or I could've, maybe in a perfect world prevented, ect, I want to apologize for it. Doing so leads to me feeling like a piece of shit all the time and constantly telling people I'm sorry for breathing (basically). Giving up apologizing for a few weeks allowed me the freedom to consider if a-I'm actually sorry and b-if I'm even at fault. 99% of the time, the answer is no. I'm learning to be alright with that. I can't fix anyone else, I can only fix myself and unnecessary apologies or attempting to carry others' burdens won't fix me or them.

While my roommates were talking about taking each other to court, I held my tongue. The only thing I can say is I'm sorry this situation is happening, but I've made this clear since the flooding. There's nothing I can do and I'm thankful. Because today, silence is enough.

Friendly

Friendship with oneself is very important because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

I read this quote this morning, along with one of the little things I read to get my day started positively. I think it's great because I've been working on giving myself a break from the constant negative montage that marches through my brain all day every day.

You're lazy, You suck, You're a screw up, You're never going to get a job, No one will ever love you. These are the things I tell myself all day almost every day. It's exhausting.

On Saturday, I was so stressed out I laid on the couch all day. And I might have cried a little. And I beat myself up. Which makes it worse. I was paralyzed by anxiety and self doubt. It was so horrible. I felt physical pain I was so upset.

I did the most logical thing, took a nap. When I woke up, it was almost 5pm and I felt a little better. I was able to listen to some rationale (from myself, because I was alone all day). I said, "Self, beating yourself up for taking a nap or for not doing any work today isn't going to make the work get done. Beating yourself up for past mistakes isn't going to make today any different. All you can do is change right now."

And, unlike the past, I believed myself. I remembered what a stressful week last week was. So stressful that I probably needed day to lay on the couch and watch 30 Rock to recover. And I reminded myself that I'm in a good place with my school work. And even if I don't get one more thing completed and I only have 8 pieces in my graduation portfolio, it's going to be ok.

Today, I'm working on being a friend to myself. If I treated my treasured friends as horribly as I treat myself, I'd have no friends. The little voice inside who tells me I'm a worthless piece of shit needs to be quieted. Because I'm not a piece of shit. I'm an amazing individual with something unique and amazing to offer, just like everyone I admire.

Ah Ha! vol. 7: Procrastination

I've been having a hard time lately. Lots and lots of anxiety and panic, which makes it hard for me to do things which in turn adds to my anxiety and panic. Normally, this is frustrating, but right now I'm working on finishing my portfolio and I'm in a time crunch.

When I get like this, I get stuck in a cycle. The anxiety comes, then I have a hard time working then I beat myself up for not getting things done which makes the anxiety worse. In the past, I'd usually give up. But that's not an option for me anymore. There is no way I'm going to give up after the past two years of working my ass off, sleepless nights, money and sacrifices.

I realized, I only have today. I don't have tomorrow yet and what I did yesterday doesn't matter, it's over. In the interest of my sanity, I have to focus on what I can do right this minute. If thinking about the entire day wigs me out, I can take it a moment at a time. It's all going to be ok.

Ah Ha! vol. 5: Average

Recently, I realized average might just be good enough. 

I've always been one of those people that doesn't try if I don't think I'm going to be the best at something (or at least very good at it). If I'm not going to stand out and be a shining star, I've never seen the point. The only times in my life (until lately) I tried things I didn't know I was going to rock at, were trying out for dance team in 8th grade (oh the horror) and summer swim league in 9th and 10th grades (I was so slow my coach made me swim with the 12 year olds). 

I've always felt I need to be the smartest, best, prettiest, thinnest, funniest, ect...It's extremely exhausting. 

When I look at pictures from a few years ago and I weighed 100lbs, I think how nice it would be to be that thin again and how awesome I looked. Instead of getting stuck in thinking I look horrible now, I have to remember how miserable I was then. My boyfriend of 4 years and I just broke up, I cried all the time, I wasn't eating; I was generally being a shady mothafucka. Was it worth it? Do I really want to look like that again in exchange for feeling horrible? I don't think so.

I need to accept that average is often good enough. There's always going to be someone prettier, smarter, thinner, funnier, more talented. That's life. Instead of focusing on how much I think I suck, I need to spend my energy being as awesome as I want to be. And enjoy my life. Because it's pretty amazing.

Ah ha! vol. 4 Collecting

I realized lately that I tend to collect people. And by collect people, I mean I have a hard time accepting the natural cycle of friendships. And, god forbid someone not like me and not want to be friends.

There's a girl I know who I don't have an opportunity to see several times a week anymore. I've reached out to her a couple of times and she either doesn't respond or does later than I appreciate. I've been a little flustered, you know, trying to grasp onto this relationship with a stranglehold. Then, one of my friends was talking about something or other and what she said made me realize, it's time to let things go. It's okay for us to go our separate ways, it doesn't mean I'm bad or she's bad, it just means we are moving in different directions. And this is perfectly acceptable. If I want to have healthy and stable relationships, it's required that I understand and am willing to embrace this. Because, it's going to happen over and over again.

This is a hard lesson to learn. I feel that the Sims demonstrate this very simply. If you're unfamiliar with that game, let me explain. To get a promotion at a job or to reach a new life goal level, your Sim has to have a certain number of friendships. Which means you have to find other Sims your Sim is compatible with and talk with them, hang out, play games, whatever, normal friend stuff. Then your level goes up and this Sim and your Sim become friends. But, if you don't have your Sim call, hang out, talk with this Sim, your friendship is lost. And, not all Sim likes other Sims. It has to do with their different personalities. In my humble opinion, this little bit of coding is brilliant.

So yeah. I'm learning this slowly. It's okay for me to let friendships go if they become toxic or if I'm moving in a different direction. And it's okay for me to let a friendship go if the other person is moving in a different direction.

Maturity. It's happening.

Men: Text Messaging

I'm speaking to my ladies in this post.

I've had my suspicions (which I just tried to spell like magicians) about this in past relationships and friendships with men. I've long suspected they can't answer more than one question per text message.  This also applies if you're trying to ask two questions is a row. You have to wait for them to answer the one before asking the second one.

While this is annoying when dealing with any man, I don't need to ask my run of the mill male friends that many questions. However, having a boyfriend changes all this; I have a lot of questions to ask all the time.

Instead of freaking out on Boo (which I'm wont to do), I decided to test this little theory out. And, now I have scientific evidence that I'm right about this. Boys can't answer more than one question per text message. Just to make sure Boo isn't an anomaly, I added some more male subjects to my test: male friends and family members. ALL of them failed.

Not only do women have to be the more beautiful, smarter (don't argue, we can answer more than one question at a time), have babies, cook and clean and be physically weaker, we now know we have to siphon out our text message questions one at a time because your little man brains can't handle more than that. Jesus Christ.

Relationship Drunk Memory (kind of)

You know how when you get drunk, some of the events of the night escape your memory a bit, things become a little hazy and you're not sure if that conversation or whatever actually happened. BUT, the next time you get a little tipsy, you remember (with clarity) that thing you did last time you were drunk. I'm having that right now, but with my relationship.

It's been two years since I was in a relationship (with Chico's dad). And, I've remembered him being a horrible villain who walked out on me and Chico after a year and a half of misery (in actuality I was head over heels in love and absolutely devastated when he left).

The other night, when I was getting upset at my dude (who will from now on be referred to as Boo--childhood nickname) because he suggested something I thought was misogynistic and rude, I had a flashback. Of a similar situation with Chico's dad. He was joking about something (just like this current situation with Boo) and I took it waaaaaaay too seriously and got angry for no. reason.

It freaked me out because I've gone through all of this change in the past year and completely revamped (probably not the right word to use here) who I am and what I stand for (now I actually stand for something) and it's so scary something as wonderful as what is going on with Boo can bring out the worst old behavior. Freeeeeks me out.

I read an article somewhere (I thought it was xojane, but I can't find it) about a girl who was in a relationship and was acting like I often act (oh, you hate your job? I'll google jobs in your field! You need a new bed? I'll email people on craigslist for you! You get the picture) and her boyfriend told her, "I want you to be my girlfriend, not my mom."

I've been thinking about this article a lot the past few weeks as I see myself trying to shape and mold Boo's life to who I think I want him to be. I try to tell myself I'm "helping." The truth is, what he chooses to do is none of my business. And, I get upset with him because he's not bending to my will. But, one of the things I like about him is that he isn't manipulatable by me (I can be very manipulative). Not to mention, I'm attracted to him just the way he is. I hate myself when I'm being an asshole like this.

I'm doing all I can do and working on it. I'll keep you updated.

Ah Ha! vol. 3 (I don't know myself)

Have you ever seen this scene from Runaway Bride, about how she doesn't know what kind of eggs she likes because she just eats whatever eggs her boyfriend likes?

I can definitely relate with this. But, I didn't realize this about myself until lately. I have NO idea what I like or think about most things. I have tended to agree with whomever I'm speaking with, about anything. Politics, colors, liking or disliking other people, laws, theories, opinions on anything. Since realizing this about myself, when someone asks me a question about something, I respond, "I don't know what I think about that." Because, this person might as well be having a conversation with a mirror; I'll probably just repeat what they're saying with different wording. 

With this realization, and as previously stated above (what with the whole telling them I don't know what I think), I'm taking the time to figure things out. I've realized that I don't like one of my closest friends. She stresses me out, so much so that I don't even want to answer the phone when she calls. Isn't that weird? I also realized I'm a people pleaser.  Crazy, ya'll. At school, I decided not to take my teacher's advice and make my book and magazine (projects) smaller. I'm going to keep them huge and ridiculous-sized. I always look at the realistic (sometimes negative) side of how to market this or that realistically. BUT, I'm in school. This is my time to have fun. Which equates to huge books and magazines. Go me.

So. I'm excited about these changes. I'm cutting the bull shit out (as best I can) and being honest with myself and others (as best I can). What are somethings you've realized you need to change? 

Princess of my own castle

I constantly give myself a hard time for doing or not doing things. It's exhausting. Do you have this problem? I can't be the only one. It's always: I'm eating too much of this/not enough of this, I need to wait until this noon to eat lunch, I did this 4 times already this week and I can't do it today, I took a nap on Tuesday which means I can't be tired today and on and on. 'sigh' Ridiculous.

It also seems to apply to relationships. I've already been in two long term relationships and several micro-relationships so I can't be happy with this one. And, what if this doesn't work out and this is my last chance and I'm going to be old and horrible and no one will want me and I don't have time to waste on a relationship that isn't going to work out and I'm exhausted. Goodness gracious!! (Wow, do I live in the future.)

I need to learn how to eat that dessert and not freak out (one dessert isn't going to kill me), eat lunch when I'm hungry, take a nap if I'm tired, wear that t-shirt and shorts if it's hot and let myself fall into something that feels exciting and safe (safe in an "I'm not worried you're screwing me over behind my back" kind of safe).

After relationship #1 ended, I literally thought I was going to die (yes, I meant to use the word literally). I was in physical pain because I was so heart broken. It was awful. Then after relationship #2 (Chico's dad) ended, I couldn't believe I'd been duped again. I thought we were a team and he just left me! I mean, we had a dog together!

I feel like I'm about to get into #3. But, I'm scared. I'm not as naive as I was before the other two. I know what's on the line (my sanity?). Just like the lunch or the two-piece bathing suit or the fun (in graduate school you aren't allowed too much fun, you know?) I'm afraid I'm going to get my heart broken again. Even though #1 shattered my life, I opened my heart for Chico's dad. Give love a chance, I said. Devastation ensued. 

I have no solution to this post. Just sayin'. I'm freaked out right now. But I want to use that old cliche and "love like I've never been hurt" (even though love isn't even on the table right now, you know what I'm saying). Thoughts?

Ah Ha! (vol. 2)

Lately, I realized I don't have any boundaries when it comes to people. Especially my relationships with men. I constantly get into situations I don't want to be in and am then confused as to how I got in the situation (and continuously happens).

Then it hit me. It's my lack of boundaries and my need to please others. Like, I will respond to phone calls and text messages from people (again, mostly men) I don't care for and don't want to be around. But, I'm so worried that someone won't like me or might be mad at me that I continue interacting. Even if this person makes me extremely uncomfortable (or just a little bit uncomfortable) or has crossed into rude and inappropriate behavior. I can't even tell you how many shameful sexual situations I've gotten myself into concerning this subject. I think I get so tired of fighting people (manipulative predators) off in a way that won't anger or hurt feelings and I give up and give in. I'd rather make the other person happy even if it means I'm miserable. This has led to a lot of shame.

I'm tired of feeling shame. I'm tired of allowing people (men) push me around and take my power away. I've had several situations lately that have really tested me in this area. And I must say, I've passed with flying colors.

I've had an on and off relationship with this dude for 2 years. I don't really like him and then I constantly find myself dating him. Over and over I tell him I don't want to see him anymore, then after a few months it starts up again. Last October, I realized we were somehow in this relationship (a beyond dating relationship) and I didn't know how it had gotten to that point and it wasn't what I wanted. I told him so and we ceased talking, AGAIN. Months later, he texted me and said he hopes I'm doing well, blah, blah blah and he wants to hang out sometime "as friends." Of course, the people pleaser I am, I agree.

We were at his house watching a movie and he was all, "Let me rub your back, blah blah" and I suddenly felt uncomfortable and trapped. This is how it always starts. So I jumped up and left. I told him I don't want to see him again, ever. No texts, no phone calls, no contact. I'm done with you, I said. He called me cold hearted, but the truth of the matter is I stood up for myself. It was horrible at first, but now it feels amazing.

He's texted me a couple of times since (then the same shit he always does when I broke it off). And, yay me, I haven't responded at all.

Right now, I'm learning boundaries and they're a little blurry. With time, I'm sure they'll become more solid and I'll find myself in less and less bad situations (hopefully none).

Food

For a long, long time, I've had a horrible relationship with food and with my body. This morning, I read this article and found it incredibly inspiring. 

When I was younger, I suffered from anorexia and since then, when I feel stressed or out of control it's been a comforting crutch to fall back on. It's never comforting, though, and it's a problem. I see extreme anorexics on the likes of Dr. Phil and I never want to be those people. Ever. The thing about falling back to anorexia to deal with my problems is that it's very hard to crawl out of. Like, really, really hard. Once I get to that place, it's a black hole of horrible.

Lately, I've really been struggling with this. The past few weeks, I haven't been able to afford much food (welcome to graduate school) and after eating peanut butter sandwiches for almost every meal has made me skip meals because, honestly, I've gotten tired of peanut butter sandwiches. So, I lost 8 lbs. And now I'm only 7 lbs away from my "I don't hate myself weight" and 17 lbs from "omg I'm so awesome and hot this weight will solve all of my body issues" weight. People have been telling me how skinny I look and instead of feeling good I just get upset and wonder if I looked like a fat cow before. I enjoy the fact that my clothes are a little baggy on me right now. It's empowering, but in a sick way.

Emily, the author of the above inspirational article, posted this picture of herself in a bathing suit and I thought to myself, I love this person. She's not afraid to write about her issues then put herself out there. Thanks, Emily. Hopefully, one day, my self-worth won't be so tired to the way I look. Because I'm worth way more than that.

Ah Ha! vol. 1 (Broken Record)

A few weeks ago, some friends and I were talking about something or other and I jumped into the conversation, "I used to date this guy that..." They cut me off. "You always start conversations with, 'This guy I used to date.'" This took me aback. Taking a second to think about it, I realized, I DO that. Oh my goodness. How did I become this person?

I've become so wrapped up in dating and feeling pressure to find a mate and be with someone I've forgotten to tell stories about me being with myself and with my friends (part of this is learning to be a friend). It's kind of sad in a way. That I can only feel validated by another warm body. On the other hand, I'm super grateful my friend risked hurting my feelings to bring this defect to my attention. Now I can work on changing this part of myself. Trying to be super aware of everything that comes out of my mouth and my intentions behind it before I say it is kind of exhausting, but it's worth it. And maybe I'll tell these stories (the dating ones) on here to get them out of my system. Some of them are kind of entertaining.