No more sorry

{photo by: Josh Bomb}

Tonight, my roommates were talking about what they're going to do now that I'm moving out and another roommate is moving out. They were both very agitated and although they've known about this for at least a month, tonight seems to be the first time they've considered the possibility they will have to find a new roommate. I felt the need to apologize. For not wanting to live in a bedroom with no door, even though one was promised and for not wanting to live in a place that floods or with a landlord who won't fix huge things or lets strangers into our apartment when we're not here. And, I realized that none of these things are things I'm responsible for. What I'm sorry for is the situation our landlord has put them in and none of these things are my fault.

A couple of Lents ago, I gave up apologizing. I am a compulsive people pleaser and I never realized this about myself until shortly before said Lent season. Anytime anyone around me is unhappy about something I think I can fix, or I damaged or some of my actions may have caused or I could've, maybe in a perfect world prevented, ect, I want to apologize for it. Doing so leads to me feeling like a piece of shit all the time and constantly telling people I'm sorry for breathing (basically). Giving up apologizing for a few weeks allowed me the freedom to consider if a-I'm actually sorry and b-if I'm even at fault. 99% of the time, the answer is no. I'm learning to be alright with that. I can't fix anyone else, I can only fix myself and unnecessary apologies or attempting to carry others' burdens won't fix me or them.

While my roommates were talking about taking each other to court, I held my tongue. The only thing I can say is I'm sorry this situation is happening, but I've made this clear since the flooding. There's nothing I can do and I'm thankful. Because today, silence is enough.