Lately, I realized I don't have any boundaries when it comes to people. Especially my relationships with men. I constantly get into situations I don't want to be in and am then confused as to how I got in the situation (and continuously happens).
Then it hit me. It's my lack of boundaries and my need to please others. Like, I will respond to phone calls and text messages from people (again, mostly men) I don't care for and don't want to be around. But, I'm so worried that someone won't like me or might be mad at me that I continue interacting. Even if this person makes me extremely uncomfortable (or just a little bit uncomfortable) or has crossed into rude and inappropriate behavior. I can't even tell you how many shameful sexual situations I've gotten myself into concerning this subject. I think I get so tired of fighting people (manipulative predators) off in a way that won't anger or hurt feelings and I give up and give in. I'd rather make the other person happy even if it means I'm miserable. This has led to a lot of shame.
I'm tired of feeling shame. I'm tired of allowing people (men) push me around and take my power away. I've had several situations lately that have really tested me in this area. And I must say, I've passed with flying colors.
I've had an on and off relationship with this dude for 2 years. I don't really like him and then I constantly find myself dating him. Over and over I tell him I don't want to see him anymore, then after a few months it starts up again. Last October, I realized we were somehow in this relationship (a beyond dating relationship) and I didn't know how it had gotten to that point and it wasn't what I wanted. I told him so and we ceased talking, AGAIN. Months later, he texted me and said he hopes I'm doing well, blah, blah blah and he wants to hang out sometime "as friends." Of course, the people pleaser I am, I agree.
We were at his house watching a movie and he was all, "Let me rub your back, blah blah" and I suddenly felt uncomfortable and trapped. This is how it always starts. So I jumped up and left. I told him I don't want to see him again, ever. No texts, no phone calls, no contact. I'm done with you, I said. He called me cold hearted, but the truth of the matter is I stood up for myself. It was horrible at first, but now it feels amazing.
He's texted me a couple of times since (then the same shit he always does when I broke it off). And, yay me, I haven't responded at all.
Right now, I'm learning boundaries and they're a little blurry. With time, I'm sure they'll become more solid and I'll find myself in less and less bad situations (hopefully none).