Ah ha! vol. 8: Today

{I can't find the original source, if you know it, please let me know}

Do you ever do that thing where you find yourself scrolling through your instragram feed deleting every picture of your "old life" because it's so disgusting to you that you can't imagine ever having to look at anything you did "before" ever again?

No? Only me?

I often forget that I'm on a constant timeline of change and growth. I forget that I only have today. I can't change the past and I can't live in the future. Today is slipping through my fingers because I can't let go of past mistakes and I feel like I have to berate myself for past decisions I'm ashamed of. Which is completely ridiculous. I know it's ridiculous with my brain but not with my heart. You feel me?

The past year has been amazing. I had a moment last spring in when I realized most of the decisions I'd made in the year before that (and the 10 years before that) were insane. I realized I was a liar and that I was worrying way too much about what everyone else thought of me. I didn't know who I am. I didn't know what I think about anything. Without knowing, I tailored my answers and opinions depending on who was around me. The scary thing was, I really thought I loved that painting you love and I really thought she is a raging bitch until someone made an opposite compelling argument. This last year, I've learned I don't know (and knowing doesn't mean I often say "I don't know"). 

Boyfriend is a saint. He's gone through a lot of this with me. Because I often don't know what I think. But I do know I love candy. And I love my dog and contrary to what my mother has told me about myself my whole life, I'm mostly an extrovert and I need to be around other people most of the time. And I'm not extremely negative and I'm an optimist (a lot of the time, I have my moments-graduate school has brought out my worst many times) and everyone is just doing the best he/she can and I don't have to live up to what my mother thinks she wants me to be. I have to worry about being who I need to be. And I'm excited for the future but also so scared. 

You know what, I'm pretty awesome and I have to stop telling myself what a horrible failure I am. It's just not true. I think my best quality is my fiercely loyal friendship. I'm open to loving my friends almost to a fault. Which has been a little of a downfall to me lately. But, I've learned. I've grown. I don't want to be someone's caretaker. I deserve better. I've worked my ass off for where I am. Like really worked it off. I've cried and I haven't lied to the best of my ability. And it's been amazing.

But the really. I have to remember all I have is today. This moment. And nothing in the past can ever change and the future isn't now. I don't want to miss today :)