41 Things I Think During Spin Class

Source/styling by me

In the style of Buzzfeed lists.

1. OMG, why did I get up so early?
2. Is my teacher drinking coffee instead of water? 
3. Ok, I can do this. It's just 45 minutes.
4. I don't think I can do this for 45 minutes.
5. Groan
6. My legs already hurt. I'm going to have a panic attack.
7. I mean, I can leave at any time, right?
8. I'm not peddling fast enough, everyone is judging me.
9. Are the people behind me looking at my butt?
10. Ok, I got this, I'm so awesome.
11. Jumps?!
12. I can't turn my resistance up!
13. I'll touch the knob if I want to.
14. Holy shit, I've only been in here for 12 minutes. 
15. Pitbull again? I can't do jumps to Pitbull.
16. How is she peddling that fast?
17. My legs are literally breaking.
18. I'm so effing awesome for doing this, I'm a queen.
19. I'm a loser, I can't turn my resistance up anymore. 
20. I'll just put my hand on the knob and pretend to turn up the resistance.
21. Oh god, she knows I faked it, she's making eye contact with me!
22. Ok, go to my happy place...
23. I never knew my arms could sweat so much
24. Awesome, I've been here for 20 minutes, 25 left.
25. I wonder how long they've all been spinning...
26. Drinking water that fast makes me feel like puking.
27. I'm going to puke.
28. If I puke I have an excuse to leave early.
29. If she screams fast legs one more time...
30. I can hold it steady, look at me!
31. I can do anything today, I'm spinning my ass off!
32. God, I'm so awesome.
33. I love my Y. 
34. I hate everything, why isn't yoga this early?
35. Four minutes to go up this hill? She's insane.
36. I'm doing it!
37. I'm killing it. 
38. I'm the queen of the Y.
39. Cool down? Already?
40. Whew, I survived.
41. I can do anything today!

This weather has caused Chico and me to lose the will to live

Has also lost the will to live because it's cold

You know that thing where you don't want to do anything except lay in the bed and watch How I Met Your Mother and you don't want to answer the phone or do your homework or speak to anyone because it's been cold and rainy for months and it's dark and terrible and you've lost the will to live and ennui has swallowed your entire soul?

Alright. All that is a little dramatic, but I don't want to do anything. I'm counting down the hours until daylight savings starts this Sunday. The dark and dreary weather is taking a toll. I've had all I can stand, and so has Chico. Probably mostly because I don't want to do anything and he gets bored laying around and listening to me whine. Boyfriend is probably also tired of it. He actually works outside in the elements and he really does have a good reason to have his soul swallowed by ennui.

I feel lazy and lack the motivation to finish up the last 6 weeks of school. I'm finishing my portfolio and getting things all wrapped up. I beat myself up for every second I don't spend working on school work, but I wake up in the middle of the night almost every night and can't go back to sleep so I'm tired. And cranky. And cold. (One of my friends told me it's senioritis, but I'm convinced it's because I'm a lazy loser who's a failure at life and being a designer)

I'm a big whiny blob.

And, speaking of blobs, winter makes me feel fat. Sigh.

Thoughts? Relating? Anyone?

PS: Thank you for reading my whine.

My dad thinks he's so funny (he is)

I've been at the beach with my family for the past several days and it's been almost great!

This trip has been a little different because, while I've had body issues in the past, they haven't been running rampant as much as they have this trip. In the past, I've been able to look in the mirror and see something similar to what I actually look like (I think) even if I've chosen to view that as too fat. But lately, that's just not the case.

I look at the size of my clothes and my body when I'm in said clothes and I feel okay about my size. But when naked or in a bathing suit, all I see is someone who is disgusting. Sitting on a beach all day feels kind of like a nightmare. Any roll of the skin or perceived flab and I'm off off into my world of self degradation. At least, I've been telling myself, there's no one here knows me (other than my parents, and I'm pretty sure they have to love me fat or thin).

The only time I can get a grip on my real size is when I see someone else who looks like I  think I look in my head (does that makes sense?) Then I realize that I'm fine and even if I do look like that person, that's okay, because that girl looks great (even at a size that I'm not comfortable being [but let's be honest, I'm not comfortable being at any size bigger than emaciated]).

Most of the summer, I've been wearing one pieces, like this lovely little number by Esther Williams (awesome bathing suits):

I feel more confident, skinnier and sexy in these types of suits than in two pieces. But, this week, I brought the two pieces out in all of their horrible, gut wrenching glory. And since wearing them for the past few days, I'm convinced I've gained 10 lbs, gotten wider, shorter and puffier. Even though I'm pretty sure it'd be next to impossible to gain 10 lbs in 3 days.

I thought about posting a picture, but that's kind of ridiculous. I'd only be looking for "You're not fat" comments. It doesn't matter how big or little I think I am and it's not really about size at all. It's about me loving and accepting myself. Lately, not only have I become more obsessed with my weight, I've become fixated on my face, hair, hands and skin. It's ridiculous. I'm surprised I can get out of the house and past the mirror in the morning. I feel like I need a hiatus from the mirror. I don't know if that's a real thing, though. Not looking in the mirror. How would I put makeup on?