Patient People

Floating hearts in my cave at school

I have the most amazing friends. As you may have gathered from previous posts, I've experienced a lot of change lately, for the better (waaaaay better). My friends have been there every step of the way, even when I've been a complete bitch or called to monopolize the conversation by talking about myself the whole time. Instead of getting frustrated (as I'm wont to do) because I'm being selfish, they've listened patiently and kindly, offering suggestions to how I may deal with each little problem. It's been amazing.

I've never experienced love like this from non-family (maybe I have and I just wasn't receptive). Actually, I don't often receive love like this from family, either. They're amazing. 

"Where did this come from?" you may be thinking. What a random-ass thing to write a blog post about. Well, I had a mini crisis last night and was crying my little eyes out about some family stuff and the three ladies I called were there to tell me how much they love me, it'll get better, hang in there, they're so glad I called (I'm getting a little misty just thinking about it). It's amazing having lady friends who are like family and who love love love me. And I love love love them. It's nice to not be just a giver or just a taker in these relationships. Sigh...love fest of friendship going on over here.

I've become quite the optimist lately. All my life, my mother has told me that I always look for the negative and I never see the best in any situation. And, that's true; but it's not because I didn't want to see the best, I just couldn't (not to mention when my mom is telling me I'm something about myself it's hard for me to see beyond her)(I wonder if I was a pessimist first or if her telling me I'm not positive made me into a pessimist...worm hole). The past few months, however, I've been the one looking at the bright side and telling people that that rude waiter probably just had a bad day and it's not about us. I've had a smile on my face and a song in my heart (hahahaha, I can't believe I just typed that).

So, last night, I knew things today would be fine and they are. I just needed a little help from my friends.

Goodbye, Facebook!

Facebook and I have had a tumultuous relationship for the past couple of years. I went from rarely ever looking at it to being completely obsessed and unable to step away. When people told me they didn't have Facebook, I'd always respond with, "What?! Why not?" I couldn't fathom not being on Facebook.

Then, like a sign from heaven (cue singing angels), people who had disconnected from Facebook came into my life. A plethora. And while I was interrogating these weirdos, I realized they all had pretty good points. This retrospection on their lives caused me to consider my life.

What does Facebook do for me? I asked myself. 

Truth is, it didn't do a whole hell of a lot (at least not positively). I was kind of a creeper on Facebook, friending my friends' guy friends and talking them up because somehow in my life I learned that I need to be the hunter in relationships and this probably has to do with the fact I usually date HUGE dee bags, you know what I'm sayin'. I have theories about this behavior, of course, but that's for another day. 

Facebook also caused me to feel extremely, extremely insecure. Why wasn't I invited to this or that, obviously that person hates me, omg there's pictures from said event and everyone I know was there and I didn't know about it, I'm such a loser, fuck fuck fuck. Or, random girl from high school has a baby and is married and they were only dating for 6 months, I was in a relationship for 3.5 years and he didn't want to marry me, no one will ever love me again, I'm a loser, I'm so fat, I'll never have anything, I'm a failure, fuck fuck fuuuuuuuccccckkk.

P.S. It's a total time suck. Like Pinterest, but bad for the soul.

In spite of the above, I continued to think Facebook was a necessity. Then, one morning I woke up and decided I'd take a break. I gave it a week and if I felt more fulfilled with it, I'd reactivate. This was in February. I haven't looked back since. I was worried I'd be excluded from events because my friends post everything through Facebook. But that hasn't been the case. People use the phone like real human beings and call me. It's amazing.

A couple of days ago, I took the real plunge. I deleted my account. There's no going back after that.

During the deletion process, Facebook asks you about 5 times if you're sure you want to leave Facebook. THEN they give you 14 days to sit with your decision. But, I'm sure. 

Overcoming Fear

I was going to write this post about the wonderful day I had meeting Instagram and Blogger friend, Becky. And it was absolutely lovely. She and I never met in person before today, although we've exchanged many, many texts, emails, blog comments and tweets.

Then I read this article (from xojane.com, my new favorite webamag that I read everyday) about agoraphobia. The article really resonated with me because, I, too have suffered from this disorder. Several years ago, I had debilitating panic disorder and was unable to leave my house. I mean, I left occasionally (girl's gotta work) but it was very hard. I had to drop out of school that semester and, at work, more often than not, I'd break down in tears and shakes because I was so overwhelmed by being out of my safe place. The horrible rolling wave of sickening fear signaling the start of a panic attack began in my chest and I wouldn't be able to go on. My boss was an absolute saint for not firing me.

I sat in my small apartment (comprised of two rooms) and cried most of every day. I could barely feed myself because going to get food involved a) leaving the house and b) making an effort to take care of myself. I was incapable of doing either. At an especially low point, I baked a roll of Grand's Biscuits and that's all I ate for five days. One roll of biscuits.

I couldn't imagine things getting better and I was convinced they'd just get worse. I wanted to die. I couldn't go out to see my friends (or see anything). My boyfriend was uber frustrated and didn't know what to do with me.

For years, I cut myself off and on, but this period was especially difficult (not to mention dark). One night, I took a straight razor and sliced a huge, deep gash in my arm. This thing was at least 4 inches long (I have an incredibly ugly scar that seems to scream "I'm emotionally unstable!"). I tried to hide it, but the boyfriend found out. After what felt like hours of silence, he put me in the car and took me to my parents' house. He cried and pleaded with them to do something. He told them I was killing myself and they needed to step in. I'd never had anyone care about me like that.

While I worked on overcoming agoraphobia for years (not to mention boat loads of therapy), that was the point I decided I couldn't live like that anymore. I forced myself to go out of my apartment with the agreement that I could leave if I needed to (I was the queen of getting up in the middle of a meal/presentation/ladies night and walking out). It was one of the most difficult things I've had to go through. Having panic attacks and crying in front of people is about ten times worse than going through it alone. 

After reading the above article, I realized today wasn't just about meeting someone amazing from the internet and feeling like we've been in real life friends with her for years and years, it was a testament to how far I've come. Yes, I was nervous about meeting her. What if she didn't like me? What if I said the wrong thing? What if her fiancé was weird? My excitement to meet her overrode all of this. Which wouldn't have happened a couple of years (maybe even a year) ago. I would've considered all of those things and given up. I'm so thankful that I can have a real life and take chances. I took a chance today, and it was awesome.

Boys

I've seen this boy a few times, lately, and more so than being all excited and floaty (there are moments), I'm petrified. While I've been afraid, bored, annoyed, trapped, resentful (and more negative emotions) in the past, this seems different. I don't remember being this scared I'm going to do the wrong thing. Most likely, because over the last 2 years I've done a lot of the wrong things over and over and over again. I am an expert at screwing up some male/female relationships. Expert.

The difference seems to be that I genuinely want to do the right thing. I'm not sure if this has happened to me before. While, I have intentions of doing "the right thing," once I get in the situation, I usually convince myself the easy thing is the right thing. But (now this is going to shock you) the easy thing and the right thing are rarely if ever the correct thing to do when it comes to romantical relationships. A lot of the time this simply equals not having sex too soon (or ever, honestly, not everyone is sex worthy).

So, yes. I'm a little afraid. I just need to chill out, enjoy the ride and not worry as much where it takes me. If I freak out about if this is going to work out or not, what will my friends say, what's going to happen next, when are we going to hang out again, ect., the whole time there's no point in hanging out with anyone.

To Be Continued...

Ah Ha! (vol. 2)

Lately, I realized I don't have any boundaries when it comes to people. Especially my relationships with men. I constantly get into situations I don't want to be in and am then confused as to how I got in the situation (and continuously happens).

Then it hit me. It's my lack of boundaries and my need to please others. Like, I will respond to phone calls and text messages from people (again, mostly men) I don't care for and don't want to be around. But, I'm so worried that someone won't like me or might be mad at me that I continue interacting. Even if this person makes me extremely uncomfortable (or just a little bit uncomfortable) or has crossed into rude and inappropriate behavior. I can't even tell you how many shameful sexual situations I've gotten myself into concerning this subject. I think I get so tired of fighting people (manipulative predators) off in a way that won't anger or hurt feelings and I give up and give in. I'd rather make the other person happy even if it means I'm miserable. This has led to a lot of shame.

I'm tired of feeling shame. I'm tired of allowing people (men) push me around and take my power away. I've had several situations lately that have really tested me in this area. And I must say, I've passed with flying colors.

I've had an on and off relationship with this dude for 2 years. I don't really like him and then I constantly find myself dating him. Over and over I tell him I don't want to see him anymore, then after a few months it starts up again. Last October, I realized we were somehow in this relationship (a beyond dating relationship) and I didn't know how it had gotten to that point and it wasn't what I wanted. I told him so and we ceased talking, AGAIN. Months later, he texted me and said he hopes I'm doing well, blah, blah blah and he wants to hang out sometime "as friends." Of course, the people pleaser I am, I agree.

We were at his house watching a movie and he was all, "Let me rub your back, blah blah" and I suddenly felt uncomfortable and trapped. This is how it always starts. So I jumped up and left. I told him I don't want to see him again, ever. No texts, no phone calls, no contact. I'm done with you, I said. He called me cold hearted, but the truth of the matter is I stood up for myself. It was horrible at first, but now it feels amazing.

He's texted me a couple of times since (then the same shit he always does when I broke it off). And, yay me, I haven't responded at all.

Right now, I'm learning boundaries and they're a little blurry. With time, I'm sure they'll become more solid and I'll find myself in less and less bad situations (hopefully none).

Food

For a long, long time, I've had a horrible relationship with food and with my body. This morning, I read this article and found it incredibly inspiring. 

When I was younger, I suffered from anorexia and since then, when I feel stressed or out of control it's been a comforting crutch to fall back on. It's never comforting, though, and it's a problem. I see extreme anorexics on the likes of Dr. Phil and I never want to be those people. Ever. The thing about falling back to anorexia to deal with my problems is that it's very hard to crawl out of. Like, really, really hard. Once I get to that place, it's a black hole of horrible.

Lately, I've really been struggling with this. The past few weeks, I haven't been able to afford much food (welcome to graduate school) and after eating peanut butter sandwiches for almost every meal has made me skip meals because, honestly, I've gotten tired of peanut butter sandwiches. So, I lost 8 lbs. And now I'm only 7 lbs away from my "I don't hate myself weight" and 17 lbs from "omg I'm so awesome and hot this weight will solve all of my body issues" weight. People have been telling me how skinny I look and instead of feeling good I just get upset and wonder if I looked like a fat cow before. I enjoy the fact that my clothes are a little baggy on me right now. It's empowering, but in a sick way.

Emily, the author of the above inspirational article, posted this picture of herself in a bathing suit and I thought to myself, I love this person. She's not afraid to write about her issues then put herself out there. Thanks, Emily. Hopefully, one day, my self-worth won't be so tired to the way I look. Because I'm worth way more than that.

Ah Ha! vol. 1 (Broken Record)

A few weeks ago, some friends and I were talking about something or other and I jumped into the conversation, "I used to date this guy that..." They cut me off. "You always start conversations with, 'This guy I used to date.'" This took me aback. Taking a second to think about it, I realized, I DO that. Oh my goodness. How did I become this person?

I've become so wrapped up in dating and feeling pressure to find a mate and be with someone I've forgotten to tell stories about me being with myself and with my friends (part of this is learning to be a friend). It's kind of sad in a way. That I can only feel validated by another warm body. On the other hand, I'm super grateful my friend risked hurting my feelings to bring this defect to my attention. Now I can work on changing this part of myself. Trying to be super aware of everything that comes out of my mouth and my intentions behind it before I say it is kind of exhausting, but it's worth it. And maybe I'll tell these stories (the dating ones) on here to get them out of my system. Some of them are kind of entertaining.

Forward

This weekend, I went hiking with some friends. The last time I went hiking was 8 years ago. While I enjoyed it then and I was fine with the physical exertion, since 8 years ago, I've convinced myself I can't do it. My friends seem to go hiking a lot. I usually want to go, but I don't because I know I'll get too tired and not be able to go on.

This is a pattern for me. I like to play it safe or I don't think I deserve it. If there are several people walking in a row, I'll usually walk behind because I don't want to crowd everyone. I'll just wait for everyone else at the restaurant to find a seat and then I'll pull up a chair and be the odd one out. I won't raise my hand at school to answer questions (even if I know the answer). I won't tell people what I need from them (thus I often make friends who walk all over me), I continue to engage with people I don't want to be around because I'm afraid they won't like me. The list goes on.

But, on Saturday I went hiking. And it was amazing. And I not only stayed with the group I led the pace for most of the way (this caused us to get a little lost at one point because I wasn't paying attention to where I was going). A seven mile hike and I was fine. It was beautiful, I had a wonderful time. It was lovely to be in the woods and at a waterfall with friends and really feel a part of. I pushed myself to do it and did something scary I thought I'd fail at and it was great.