Throw out the old

I just officially finished with my old blog, Knit in Public. I posted my last post there. I own my domain name, so it'll still be up for a while, but it feels good to be moving on to something more positive and new.

I loved writing at Knit in Public for a long time and I met so many wonderful people there, but it's time to move on, you know?

I've changed so much the past 3 years. The person I am and the person I was when I started that blog are completely different people. I tended to be a pessimist and while I was funny at times with that outlook, I just can't stand to have those old posts representing me anymore. I've moved on for the better.

The experience of the graduate program I'm a part of (knowing I can bust my ass like I'd never imagined) and the new friends I've made and the amazing positive (yet, often difficult) changes I've made to my life have changed who I am.

It's nice to start fresh and not look back. I'm looking forward and am grateful I have a new place to share my new life.

just because I don't have a dress on doesn't mean death

I'm having one of those times. Where I just feel super insecure and bad about myself. I'm having a weird dynamic with a couple of friends and this situation has spun me. I don't know what I think about them (her) and if she's doing the right thing and if I'm an asshole or if she's an asshole or if no one is an asshole...? Not knowing how to feel about someone and something I have to be around all the time is super confusing and kind of infuriating. You know?

All of this confusion and anguish (i.e. heartache) has taken me from the mountain of awesome I was feeling last Wednesday after my critique and into a dark abyss of insecurity, uneasiness and unhappiness. (I wonder if my other friends are tired of me calling and complaining about it?) This probably has something to do with the break and lack of constant activity. The situation is a piece of shit no matter what, but, having endless time to sit and stew in it just makes it worse.

Where I'm going with this is I hate the way I look right now. There's nothing like a friend completely (metaphorically) stabbing me in the back to help me decide I'm fat and horrible looking (not that there's anything wrong with that). Not to mention, I've convinced myself I'll be alone forever, no one will ever love me, my friends sit around and laugh about what a mess I am without me (crazy time), I look like crap, blah blah.

I called one of my friends to cry about the betrayal and she told me all I can do from here is look really hot. Usually, I'm all over that. All over it. But, last night I spent the night at my cousin's house, packed a sparkly tank for work then forgot my razor. I brought another shirt, but, ew. And because of this shirt (and running a little late) I didn't put much makeup on. And without makeup, why fix my hair? I just slapped it in a bun. And put on some hippy shoes. Because of all these things, I'm kind of melting out of my chair with misery. I believe this means I'm super shallow...


le sigh

breaks

On breaks from school, I always have so many hopes and dreams of the fun to be had. All quarter, I tell myself, during break, you can learn Spanish/read that book/finish that painting/have a life/go rafting/sleep/redo every project you've ever done and make each one amazing/ect. But, after the first few days of catching up on sleep, the miserable feeling of being bored forever sneaks in. Soon to follow is laziness. Example, I told people all I wanted to do over break was clean my room and play Zelda. I have yet to play one minute of Zelda.

A few days ago I started an intense art project. I really want to work on this, know I should, but the laziness that is upon me is hard to overcome. And, this project is all about feeling my feelings and getting over something and I don't know if I want to do that. I mean, I want to, but I don't really want to. You know?

My new plan. Watch episode 10 of Girls, take a very unneeded nap, get up and do 2 paintings. Maybe play Zelda, but let's not get ahead of ourselves, I mean, that's a lot. Oh, and get all dressed up and look like a million bucks for no reason. That's a big one.

Last night I was having an emergency and I texted some friends of mine that I needed them to go to coffee. They were all busy, but I made it clear I really needed them and they dropped everything and drove in Friday rush hour traffic to meet me at a coffee shop and let me talk it out. It was wonderful and I'm so touched to have such great friends.

I've always wanted friends like this. Always. In the past, I've tended to be a clingy friend. I've wanted to declare best friendship and make a lot of effort towards friends and not let go when the friendship wains. The thing is, most of these people were not there for me when I needed them. They didn't show up for me like these girls did.

The thing I've learned lately is to get a friend I have to be a friend. I thought I was being a friend in the past but those relationships were 100% me giving or 100% me taking. There must be a balance to be a real friend. I'm very thankful to have patient people to allow me to mess up or be selfish or tell me the truth and not leave me.

For these ladies, I don't have to cling. They love me just how I am and in some ways, that's better than finding that from a guy. I can get guys, but having lovely lady friends is something new and wonderful. It's an amazing I don't know if I've ever felt before.

It's really hard for me to look at my own faults. When someone confronts me about something I did in the past (that I'm ashamed of) my first instinct is to lie. Once that passes, I want to explain it away, contextualize the situation. Or make excuses, or say I did that because so and so is an asshole or that's not really what happened.

The truth is, there are no excuses. Even if so and so was an asshole or if there were extenuating circumstances, I did the wrong thing. I have to face that. And most of the time every time, it's hard. To take 100% responsibility for what I did because I want to be an awesome rockstar who never does anything wrong and that everyone loves. But that's not realistic. Even if I hadn't been a complete bitch most of my life. Unfortunately, I have been. And now I have to swallow my pride and suck it up and admit my faults. While this is very difficult, it's growth. And it's lovely.