The moral of this story seems to be get sleep

It's here again. Studio week. The last week of the quarter before final critique of my work. Two quarters ago, I was sick and couldn't breathe, but that didn't keep me from staying awake for two days straight (on top of very little sleep the previous 5 days) and waking up in my cot in my room (I have a room at school) missing a shoe and not knowing how I got there, THEN being too tired to present my projects and getting low scores anyway. Le sigh. Last quarter, I was so stressed, I cried almost the whole week, while staying at the school (that doesn't have dorms) for 7 days then, cutting my finger two hours before critique and bleeding all over one of my projects.

Thinking about all the work I have to do while death gripping this water bottle.

So, my goals for the next 13 days:

• get some sleep (I say this now, but I for sure will find myself awake at 4am for no other reason than to prove to the other people around me how hard of a worker I am. This place is cray-zay, yo!)
• Not spend a ton of money producing projects I'm just going to have to pay to produce again in 6 months
• If the words, "Why are you looking at me like that?" come into my brain (or God forbid, out of my mouth) GO TO BED
• Remember, it's just school and not life and death. 
• If my projects don't turn out perfectly, it doesn't make me a piece of shit
• If my projects don't turn out perfectly, it doesn't mean I'm never going to get a job, be homeless, be a huge disappointment, die, never graduate, have to go back to waiting tables, ect...
• Don't ask other crazy, sleep deprived people for their opinion
• Stay in touch with non school friends
• At least get coffee or see non school friends 3 (three) times during the week, even if only for a few minutes (promise, it helps)
• If I think I'm done, I'm done. Just let it go.

On that note, I'm trying to be optimistic about whole thing. This is really hard because last Studio Week was so absolutely horrible. I'll keep you posted.

W

Music for my Home Girls!

Don't you just love online friends? I've met some of the most amazing people through twitter and blogging; hell, I even met Chico's dad through twitter (he's less than amazing). Two of these lovelies are Alexis and Carrie.

We're making music lists, as previously discussed on Twitter and here's mine

1. Bombay: El Guincho
2. Save Me: Aimee Mann (I love some Aimee Mann)
3. Mornings Eleven: The Magic Numbers
4. Marathon: Tennis
5. Post Break Up Sex: The Vaccines
6. Born to Die: Lana Del Ray
7. Major Tom: Shiny Toy Guns
8. Chelsea, Let's Go Join the Circus: Agent Ribbons
9. Be Your Bro: Those Darlins
10. Je Veux Te Voir: Yelle
11. Heavy Cross: Gossip
12. Secret: The Pierces

There you go, lovlies!

W

Ah Ha! vol. 3 (I don't know myself)

Have you ever seen this scene from Runaway Bride, about how she doesn't know what kind of eggs she likes because she just eats whatever eggs her boyfriend likes?

I can definitely relate with this. But, I didn't realize this about myself until lately. I have NO idea what I like or think about most things. I have tended to agree with whomever I'm speaking with, about anything. Politics, colors, liking or disliking other people, laws, theories, opinions on anything. Since realizing this about myself, when someone asks me a question about something, I respond, "I don't know what I think about that." Because, this person might as well be having a conversation with a mirror; I'll probably just repeat what they're saying with different wording. 

With this realization, and as previously stated above (what with the whole telling them I don't know what I think), I'm taking the time to figure things out. I've realized that I don't like one of my closest friends. She stresses me out, so much so that I don't even want to answer the phone when she calls. Isn't that weird? I also realized I'm a people pleaser.  Crazy, ya'll. At school, I decided not to take my teacher's advice and make my book and magazine (projects) smaller. I'm going to keep them huge and ridiculous-sized. I always look at the realistic (sometimes negative) side of how to market this or that realistically. BUT, I'm in school. This is my time to have fun. Which equates to huge books and magazines. Go me.

So. I'm excited about these changes. I'm cutting the bull shit out (as best I can) and being honest with myself and others (as best I can). What are somethings you've realized you need to change? 

Oh, Atlanta!!

I'm doing a project for school about Atlanta and it's reminding me over and over (through my research) of how much I love love love Atlanta (kind of like how Carrie Bradshaw loves NY, we have a relationship, don't insult it or I'll cry) and I've been thinking about this post from 2 years ago. About Atlanta.

Last week, my friend Nilsa wrote a post about the unique culture of her home, Chicago.  I was so entertained while reading it, I have been inspired to write my own about my hometown Atlanta.  The capital of the South.  (That’s right, we capitalize South)

• “Coke” means any carbonated drink that isn’t water or an energy drink.  Even then, and enery drink can occasionally be referred to as Coke.  Pepsi, Sprite, Fanta…whatever, it’s a Coke.  Other places say “soda” (weird) and “pop” (extra weird), but we just want a Coke. (Pepsi doesn't exist) 
• “Bless your heart.”  Seems like someone with a caring concern for you, maybe even a compliment.  Not so, my friends.  This is a back handed compliment (which we have perfected down South).  As in, “Bless her heart, she’s from New York.”
• “Yankee”  Anyone born above the Mason-Dixon Line, and people from Florida (which is NOT the South).  And, down here, it’s not a compliment.  Everyone from Atlanta knows, Yankees are rude, loud and don’t have any manners.  Their mothers’ didn’t teach them right.  “Bless his heart, he’s a Yankee, you know.”
• MARTA.  Our only means of public transportation.  Which is a joke.  Pretty much.  We refer to it as the train that goes no where.  Atlanta isn’t a walkable city and if you aren’t directly at a train station, you’re screwed (if you're riding the bus, clear 4 hours of your schedule and you might get there on time but don't count on it). I’ve included a map so you can see the full awesomeness of MARTA’s line.  The Yankees always call it “The MARTA.”  ‘le sigh’

• That circle around the map is called, “The Perimeter.”  AKA I-285.  It’s a highway that goes all the way around Atlanta so if you don’t want to drive through the city, you don’t have to.  “I live right outside The Perimeter.”
• Which leads to the next item, OTP & ITP.  Inside the Perimeter and Outside in Perimeter.  I live ITP which makes me cooler than everyone who lives OTP.  That’s just how it is.
• Everyone who lives in a 30 miles radius of Atlanta considers him or herself “in Atlanta.”  Those of us who actually live in Atlanta don’t appreciate this.  This 30 mile radius is referred to as “The Metro.”  As in “I live in the Metro, only like, 20 minutes from Buckhead.”
• Buckhead.  How does one describe Buckhead…Buckhead seems to think its self the Rodeo Drive of the Atlanta (as if). If you want to run into famous people, there.  If you want to way over pay for valet and a meal…you got it, Buckhead!  And, if you stay out late enough, you’ll probably see someone get stabbed.  Entertainment for all ages.
• We don’t like Florida.  There are too many Yankees.
• If you say “I’m watching the game” in the Fall, it’s University of Georgia or Georgia Tech.  If it’s summer, it’s the Braves.  We love our Braves.  In general, we don’t care for the fans from out of town.  They don’t have manners like we do.
• Every time the Braves are sucking someone inevitably says, “They won the World Series, ya’ll.”  Almost 20 years ago.
• Almost every street is named “Peachtree” something or other.  It’s pretty confusing.  But we don’t mind.  It’s just the Yankees who get lost (and the people OTP).
• In Atlanta, you must look everyone you pass on the street, ride in an elevator with, open a door for, in the eye and smile/nod and say Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening.  Which--to be honest--creeps me out a bit.  Southern hospitality is great and all, but pan handlers use this as an in.  But it has been coded in our DNA to acknowledge everyone’s presence.
• We buy manners books and read them.  And refer to them when in doubt.  I love that about Atlanta.

Are there fun and/or unique things about your city?

Princess of my own castle

I constantly give myself a hard time for doing or not doing things. It's exhausting. Do you have this problem? I can't be the only one. It's always: I'm eating too much of this/not enough of this, I need to wait until this noon to eat lunch, I did this 4 times already this week and I can't do it today, I took a nap on Tuesday which means I can't be tired today and on and on. 'sigh' Ridiculous.

It also seems to apply to relationships. I've already been in two long term relationships and several micro-relationships so I can't be happy with this one. And, what if this doesn't work out and this is my last chance and I'm going to be old and horrible and no one will want me and I don't have time to waste on a relationship that isn't going to work out and I'm exhausted. Goodness gracious!! (Wow, do I live in the future.)

I need to learn how to eat that dessert and not freak out (one dessert isn't going to kill me), eat lunch when I'm hungry, take a nap if I'm tired, wear that t-shirt and shorts if it's hot and let myself fall into something that feels exciting and safe (safe in an "I'm not worried you're screwing me over behind my back" kind of safe).

After relationship #1 ended, I literally thought I was going to die (yes, I meant to use the word literally). I was in physical pain because I was so heart broken. It was awful. Then after relationship #2 (Chico's dad) ended, I couldn't believe I'd been duped again. I thought we were a team and he just left me! I mean, we had a dog together!

I feel like I'm about to get into #3. But, I'm scared. I'm not as naive as I was before the other two. I know what's on the line (my sanity?). Just like the lunch or the two-piece bathing suit or the fun (in graduate school you aren't allowed too much fun, you know?) I'm afraid I'm going to get my heart broken again. Even though #1 shattered my life, I opened my heart for Chico's dad. Give love a chance, I said. Devastation ensued. 

I have no solution to this post. Just sayin'. I'm freaked out right now. But I want to use that old cliche and "love like I've never been hurt" (even though love isn't even on the table right now, you know what I'm saying). Thoughts?

Motivation: I don't have it

Does anyone else love iPhoto as much as I do? I think it might be my favorite thing about my mac book pro.

It's the middle of the quarter and I'm pretty sure I'm horribly behind. Although, everyone else around me is in the same place, so we're all behind. (I'm pretty sure this means none of us are actually behind) Feeling behind is not a good feeling and the worse feeling is my lack of motivation to catch up (i.e: being where I think I need to be, not necessarily where everyone else is). If this school wasn't a 24/7 commitment, maybe I'd feel more motivated right now (seriously, ya'll, it's 24/7. That's why I have a cot at school).

Goodness, we're cute

I think the first 6 quarters of this school have worn me the hell out. Not the mention it's summer. I just want to sit in my bed and watch Gossip Girl, spoon with Chico, hang out with my dude, go to the pool, play computer games and Zelda (although Zelda seems like a lot of work right now), paint, read and do stuff with my friends. PLUS have lots of money so I can do said fun stuff. Sigh.

But, I must remember how fortunate I am to go to this school. It's so lovely that I have this opportunity and I need to remember that (this school ain't cheap, yo).

Instead of doing homework, I often look at Pinterest (because pinning stuff helps with my creative process) and take massive amounts of pictures of myself with iPhoto. 

Any motivation tips?

W

P.S. Chico not has his own website of pictures. Because there is too cute for him to share: Chico Chico Chico

My dad thinks he's so funny (he is)

I've been at the beach with my family for the past several days and it's been almost great!

This trip has been a little different because, while I've had body issues in the past, they haven't been running rampant as much as they have this trip. In the past, I've been able to look in the mirror and see something similar to what I actually look like (I think) even if I've chosen to view that as too fat. But lately, that's just not the case.

I look at the size of my clothes and my body when I'm in said clothes and I feel okay about my size. But when naked or in a bathing suit, all I see is someone who is disgusting. Sitting on a beach all day feels kind of like a nightmare. Any roll of the skin or perceived flab and I'm off off into my world of self degradation. At least, I've been telling myself, there's no one here knows me (other than my parents, and I'm pretty sure they have to love me fat or thin).

The only time I can get a grip on my real size is when I see someone else who looks like I  think I look in my head (does that makes sense?) Then I realize that I'm fine and even if I do look like that person, that's okay, because that girl looks great (even at a size that I'm not comfortable being [but let's be honest, I'm not comfortable being at any size bigger than emaciated]).

Most of the summer, I've been wearing one pieces, like this lovely little number by Esther Williams (awesome bathing suits):

I feel more confident, skinnier and sexy in these types of suits than in two pieces. But, this week, I brought the two pieces out in all of their horrible, gut wrenching glory. And since wearing them for the past few days, I'm convinced I've gained 10 lbs, gotten wider, shorter and puffier. Even though I'm pretty sure it'd be next to impossible to gain 10 lbs in 3 days.

I thought about posting a picture, but that's kind of ridiculous. I'd only be looking for "You're not fat" comments. It doesn't matter how big or little I think I am and it's not really about size at all. It's about me loving and accepting myself. Lately, not only have I become more obsessed with my weight, I've become fixated on my face, hair, hands and skin. It's ridiculous. I'm surprised I can get out of the house and past the mirror in the morning. I feel like I need a hiatus from the mirror. I don't know if that's a real thing, though. Not looking in the mirror. How would I put makeup on?